Mom-of-3 has been supported telling the husband that “their nanny is in charge,” not him

A mom asked on Reddit if she was wrong to “tell my husband the nanny was in charge?”

In the post, user ZealousidealWait2698 explained that she and her husband have three children, ages 10 months, 3 years, and 6 years old. The couple has hired a nanny for their middle child, who was born “just when the pandemic started.” She wrote that the nanny originally worked from 9am to 5pm, as she did, while her husband “has a high profile job and that means he’s gone a lot”.

By the end of 2022, there were approximately 170,000 nannies actively working in the United States, according to career site Zippia. Of these, 93.1 percent are female, with an average age of 37.

Portrait of an exhausted mother with her children on the couch. The mother-of-three told Reddit about a falling out with her husband, who thought the nanny was undermining him. dvulikaia / Getty Images

The poster read, “By the time the baby came, I was too overwhelmed to have a bath and bedtime on my own, as well as having postpartum depression. After the breakdown, we spoke with the nanny and she agreed to adjust her hours so she helps me with dinner, bath, and bed.”

The poster explained that her husband often misses his children’s bedtime and is “reluctant to hold out with the kids.” “Boys are allowed to be rough in the house, they are allowed to break the routine, they are tossed around hard, and bedtime is delayed.” The mother added that the nanny shared with her that she was embarrassed.

The label wrote that she and the nanny have grown close over the past six months and have created a routine that works well. She added, “In many ways, I became like a third father to the kids…and my mental health improved a lot.” Despite wanting to keep the nanny because she could not “handle the children on her own,” the poster wrote that her husband refused to “bend to the nanny and follow her lead.” He said she was “just an employee and he’s the father”.

“I told him he would either follow her lead to sleep and shower or it doesn’t help at all. He told me I let the nanny take over and replace him,” the poster read.

said Ruth E. Freeman, founder and president of Peace at Home Parenting Solutions Newsweek: “This is a great example of the profound difference a skilled caregiver can make in a family.

She added, “My mother writes about how having the support of her nanny contributed to improving the mother’s mood after the birth of her child.”

“The mother and nanny seem to have developed a good evening routine, and that routine is essential to the children’s feelings of safety and calm. Routines also contribute to cooperation, especially during times when there can be difficult transitions such as bathing and bedtime.

“On the other hand, a father brings joy to the family when he plays with the children. This is also an essential component, especially during this difficult post-pandemic moment in history when families are struggling,” Freeman said.

“What would be ideal is for mom, dad and nanny to sit down and think together about how he can get involved in the routine when he’s at home and how he can incorporate fun and silliness into the routine without disrupting the order of things,” Freeman said. . “He can help with bathing and maybe be a little playful while kids are in or right out of the tub without changing the order in which the tasks are done. He can promote kids’ cooperation with cheerful gestures, silly sounds and warm associations.

“Parents might also consider organizing a family get-together to talk about how things are a little different when dad is home, and together discover how to have fun and cooperate at the same time,” Freeman added.

“Children sometimes have great ideas and insights when given the opportunity to make suggestions and are more likely to follow through if they are included in the planning,” she said. “The solution is to listen to everyone’s point of view, to invite everyone to contribute to the solution, while keeping mom and dad in the leadership roles and deeply respecting the nanny’s point of view on issues. There is no one right way to guide the family, but listening and solving problems together is usually a good way.”

Users on Reddit voted not to blame the mother. One wrote: “Either do everything or follow the set schedule. If this is not resolved, they will lose what seems like a great employee.”


Some users disagreed with this view, including one who wrote: “Your employee needs to deal with parenting styles (plural) and lifestyles (plural). Your husband can’t see his kids much; it’s unfair to them and him to try to separate them from each other.” when he’s around.”

Newsweek I reached out to ZealousidealWait2698 via Reddit for comment.

Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Tell us at [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice, and your story can be featured on Newsweek.

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